I have been delaying publishing this post for months, and frankly, wasn’t sure I was going to publish it all, but after a candid conversation with my son, I knew I had to say something. During one of those rare car moments alone, my teenager asked me, with thinly masked repulsion, if feminists were, “ya know, kind of bad.” Every hackle in my body went up, because I have raised my children to be feminists, though I have never used that term. I have raised them to be feminists under the classic definition:
Feminism: a range of political movements, ideologies, and social movements that share a common goal: to define, establish, and achieve political, economic, personal, and social equality of sexes.
I am a feminist. I believe that men and women should have equal access to education, health care, well-paying jobs, etc. I believe that men and women, and everything in between, deserve equal respect and opportunities. And, as we know, women have been denied these basic rights for centuries, hence the birth of feminism. Unfortunately, I think modern feminism has taken a wrong turn. The image of the modern feminist is an angry, man-hating female whose goal it is to replace the patriarchy with a matriarchy by crushing as many balls as possible along the way. We want revenge! We want blood! (An image of blood-thirsty Kali**, the dark goddess, comes to mind). No wonder my son thinks feminists are crazy scary!
Women are angry, angry as hell that we have been subjugated, demeaned, raped and defiled at the hands of men. This, I totally understand. We have every right to be angry, and this anger has fueled a powerful movement to reverse these age old injustices. Hallelujah! But, I think we really need to ask ourselves some deeper questions. What is the real goal? We want our power back, yes, but, what are we going to do with that power? Are we looking to reverse the injustices by stripping men of all of their influence? Do want a society dominated by women? It seems we live in a culture of black and white. If we love women and want them to be empowered and succeed, then we must hate men and want them to fail. But why? Why can’t we have both? To have a truly balanced, harmonious society, we need both men and women (and all those in between) to show up to the table in equal measure. We need to even out the playing field, not annihilate the “enemy”.
I’m trying to teach my boys to be good men, but by telling them they are guilty before they even have a chance to prove otherwise, aren’t we setting them up to fail? By labeling them as “white males” (with a negative connotation), we are immediately identifying them by their label, not by the individuals they are. We are putting them in a very limiting box of set standards and then get outraged when they live up to those ideals. Do we really want to tell them from the start that they are evil, when they are the ones positioned to make the biggest change in their attitudes and behaviors? We need to banish the ‘us versus them’ mentality that is the true plague of our cultural relationships and instead, work on teaching, through example, how men and women work better together in partnership than separate. Teaching a historical context is so important. Teaching that the system is set up to favor and support men is important. Teaching how far women have come, yet how far we still have to go is important. Teaching how strong, smart, amazing, sensitive, and caring both women AND men are is important. What we don’t want to teach is that feminism is a bad word.
Our young boys are not responsible for the sins of those who have gone before them. We would never think of blaming all Germans for the Nazi atrocities of the past, nor would we blame all Muslims for the actions of a small group of radicals, so we need to stop blaming all boys/men simply for being birthed male. This does not, however, free them of responsibility for how they choose to live their lives going forward. This is a new generation and with them comes great opportunity to change centuries-old, deeply ingrained stereotypes and attitudes toward the roles both men and women play in society. Let’s give them the chance. We need to continue to fight hard for women’s rights as allies, not enemies. Are we going to perpetuate the status quo through angry, bitter rhetoric, or provide ample opportunity for compassion and collaboration through forward thinking speech and action?
I have the privilege of helping to raise this new generation of boys and girls, and I take my responsibility very seriously. I would never teach my daughter that she is any less than a man, just as I would never teach my sons that they are any less than a woman. I am teaching them to celebrate their individuality while celebrating the individuality of the people around them, whether male, female, black, white, Democrat, Republican, gay, straight, Christian or atheist. I am teaching, hopefully by example, to look past these labels all together. I believe real change will come through education, example and action. And, for the record, that car comment led to a really wonderful discussion. I explained to my son how we should all be proud to be feminists and where I think the movement has gone wrong. I am lucky to have had the opportunity to talk through his misconceptions. But, I wonder how many aren’t so fortunate.
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