I read somewhere recently that while relationships should ideally be a 50:50 give-and-take, we can’t expect this to be the case all of the time. There may be times when one partner needs to give 80 to the other’s 20, or vice versa. In the case of a friendship, maybe one person is going through a really rough transition period (a break-up, illness, or death of a loved one, for example) and needs the support of the other more than usual. Or, in the case of a marriage, maybe one spouse is working ridiculous hours on a special project at work or hasn’t been feeling well. This was the case in my household the other night– My husband and I have it worked out that I make dinner and he does the dishes while I put away food, wipe the table, and move the kids along in their nightly duties. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember and it works for us. Until it doesn’t. My husband came home from work completely beat to the point where he could barely keep his eyes open at the dinner table. So, after dinner, without thinking twice, I told him to go lie down and I’d handle the dishes, no worries. My daughter (who was doing her homework at the island in our kitchen) remarked in awe something like, “wow mom, that is how marriage/true love is supposed to work.” And, she’s right (and wise beyond her years, apparently). When you are in a true partnership with someone else, you have to be flexible and willing to compromise. Sometimes we have to relax our roles and standards to accommodate the other person. Sometimes we have to be willing to take on a little bit more when our partner is struggling and able to give a little less. Sometimes we have to be flexible.
If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know this is a huge theme for me. In a previous post On Being Flexible, I suggest that having the ability to adapt and change to any given situation is paramount to our happiness. When we become too rigid in our beliefs, roles and routines, we cause ourselves undue suffering should things change (which they very often do). Sure, I could have agreed to do the dishes knowing it was the right thing to do, but then silently stewed about the extra work and change in my evening plans. I could have gotten frustrated and annoyed, which would have ruined the rest of my night. But, I didn’t. I didn’t feel resentment at having to do the dishes, because I know that my husband would have done the same for me (and has). I realized that this was one of those times where my husband needed a little more than 50 percent, and I was more than happy to give it, knowing that next time, he may just have my back. He truly appreciated it, and it made me feel good to help him out. That is how flexibility leads to happiness. The alternative, stubborn adherence to routine and expectations, leads to toxic anger and bitterness. No thanks.
(Now, granted, there is a big difference if the balance between two people is skewed to one direction more often than not. If there is a pattern to the inequality where one person is always giving more, then some resentment is understandable, and maybe the relationship needs a closer look. If this had been the third night in a row of dissing dish duty because my husband just wanted to watch soccer on TV, then I’d be a bit miffed and want to talk about it. That is not what I am talking about here. You should be able to intuit the difference. Does it feel right, or does it feel manipulative? Are you being flexible or naive?)
I am certainly no expert in relationships, or life for that matter, but I do know that as I get older, I have come to understand just how important mental flexibility is to my overall health and happiness. Life is about constantly changing circumstances, and if I’m not willing to go with the flow, I spend too much energy in an unproductive, negative space. I’d rather adapt and move on to more important matters. Pardon the cheesy cliché, but I’d rather Keep Calm and Flex On!
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